Jan. 28: Congress finally reaches a compromise in which the Democrat's oak
gavel is approved, but only after Speaker John Boehner gives it a complete shellacking.
Feb. 4: Fresh from its acquisition of "Newsweek" for one dollar,
The Daily Beast announces it has purchased the defunct "Saturday Evening
Post" for 15 cents. "We believe our online readers will gradually
develop new habits and shift to print," said Tina Brown, who will serve
as editor of all three publications.
Feb. 6: With the score 42-3 at the end of regulation play, NFL officials order
Super Bowl XLV to continue into overtime until all 27 remaining commercials are
Mar. 14: President Obama finally appears before a joint session of Congress
to spell out his legislative agenda, but it ends abruptly when Mr. Obama is struck
in the lip by Speaker John Boehner's oak gavel, requiring 12 stitches.
Apr. 7: After learning that his first game with the Hagerstown (Md.) Suns
has been rained out, 18-year-old baseball phenom Bryce Harper tells reporters
it was "good experience," and he has "paid his dues," and
expects to be called up to the Washington Nationals "any day now."
Apr. 29: In a cost-saving move, CBS decides not to send the cast and crew
of the "Early Show" to cover the royal wedding, opting instead to transport
all 37 of the program's viewers to London to watch in person.
May 6: Authorities at Kennedy Airport arrest a woman just seconds before she
is able to board a commercial flight with suspicious material, believed to be
explosives mixed in a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
May 7: Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano tells a news conference in
Washington that, effective immediately, passengers on flights originating in
the U.S. will be limited to 1.5 ounces of peanut butter and/or other sandwich
spreads. Sandwiches must be in clear plastic bags for tasting by TSA employees.
May 18: WikiLeaks delivers 847,000 classified documents to The Guardian newspaper,
detailing how the Obama administration has sought to deal with previous WikiLeaks
disclosures. Most embarrassing: an internal report estimating that it would take
150 White House staffers, each working 18 hours a day, 43.7 years to read all
of the documents that WikiLeaks obtains in a typical month.
June 13: In a news release, Homeland Security discloses that the sandwich
confiscated in New York on May 6 did not contain explosives, but rather a "peanut
butter substitute" made from soybeans. The release also states that the
1.5-ounce limit on sandwich spreads will remain in effect "for the foreseeable
July 21: The TLC cable channel announces "Sarah Palin's Iowa and New
Hampshire," in which the former star of "Sarah Palin's Alaska" takes
viewers to "my favorite hangouts in two wonderful states that Todd and I
have always thought of as our second and third homes."
Aug. 10: As temperatures soar near 100 degrees for a record 25th straight
day, Mike Huckabee says on Fox News Channel that this is "clearly God's
way" of punishing the Obama administration for spreading false claims about
global warming. A Fox instant poll indicates that 96% of Huckabee's viewers believe
he is correct, while 4% are not sure.
Sept. 6: President Obama and his security detail drive daughter Malia to her
first day of 8th grade at Sidwell Friends School in Washington, prompting Rep.
Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., to declare that the trip is costing taxpayers $1.6
Sept. 9: Audience members at the final episode of Oprah Winfrey's syndicated
talk show erupt in a violent protest when they learn that Oprah's special "surprise
gift" to each of them on the landmark occasion is a warm hug.
Oct. 3: In a West Wing ceremony, President Obama awards the Medal of Freedom
to football player Michael Vick "for heroic efforts to secure commercial
endorsement contracts under extraordinary conditions."
Oct. 14: On CNN, Anderson Cooper reports live via satellite from the scene
of a dramatic rescue in the Arctic, where 14 penguins became trapped when a glacier
collapsed. During a commercial, Cooper tweets: "No worry. Super snug Calvin
Klein thermal tee-shirt is rated to 15 below zero."
Nov. 21: In what is believed to be the earliest opening of its kind, Wal-Mart
opens its stores 96 hours prior to Black Friday.
Dec. 5: Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner discloses that China has quietly
accumulated over 3.7 trillion miles in the United Airlines Mileage Plus program. "Our
greatest concern," explains Geithner, "is that the Chinese will acquire
tens of thousands of memberships in the Red Carpet Club, triggering an airline
Dec. 31: Appearing on MTV's New Year's Eve special, President Obama concedes, "No
one was more surprised by the way 2011 turned out than this president."
(c) Peter Funt. This column was originally distributed by the Cagle Syndicate.