| What he said: "(I’m) calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States…"
What he meant: "From now through New Years, Muslims and their families who stay for two nights at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas will get a third night free! As our website promises, ‘This is a place to live life without boundaries, limits or compromise.'"
What he said: "I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words."
What he meant: "I will tell you, Home Depot has vinyl fencing, unassembled, with dog ear pickets. And, if we buy now, they offer free shipping."
What he said: "When you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ‘em by the pussy."
What he meant: "You know, Billy, there’s a fortune in making those cat videos for YouTube. People will watch anything with a pussy. You can tickle ‘em, stroke ‘em, even grab ‘em."
What he said: "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her…wherever."
What he meant: "I gotta say I love ‘The Walking Dead,’ but this guy Negan is a bad hombre. He clubbed poor Glenn and there was blood coming out of his eyes, his ears…wherever."
What he said: "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot people and I wouldn't lose voters."
What he meant: "You know, I’m a big fan of Instagram. Big fan. Sometimes I just walk out of Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue and shoot people and post it on Instagram and Facebook. It’s beautiful, really beautiful."
What he said: "I would bring back waterboarding and I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding."
What he meant: "At Mar-a-Lago we’re bringing back waterskiing. You know, I used to love waterskiing––it’s a hell of a lot more fun than synchronized swimming, which, by the way, a lovely Russian girl got a gold medal for at the Summer Olympics."
What he said: "We’re going to repeal it, replace it, and get something great!"
What he meant: "Most of Obamacare will remain intact, but I want millions of Americans to also be covered when filling Garcinia Cambogia weight loss treatment prescriptions recommended by my good friend Dr. Oz."
What he said: "Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob."
What he meant: "Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob."
(c) Peter Funt. Distributed by Cagle syndicate.