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2012 Precap
By PETER FUNT
PUBLISHED: December 28, 2011 |
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News organizations are scurrying to review events of the year gone by, lest
we forget such enduring treats as Kim Kardashian's wedding and Herman Cain's
candidacy. But rather than another boring recap, here is a fully-vetted Precap
of news to come in 2012.
JAN. 1: At one minute past midnight, Newt Gingrich signs an Executive Order dissolving
the EPA, FDA, FCC and FAA. Aides caution him that the election is still 11 months
away.
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JAN. 2: Angered by
reports that the Obama Administration wants to raise taxes on the wealthiest
Americans, NBA players begin a strike that "threatens
the remainder of the season."
JAN. 14: Newt Gingrich says the New Year's story is being "deliberately
distorted by media," explaining that he was merely giving aides "historical
guidance" about Executive Orders.
FEB. 2: Sec. of State Clinton signs a landmark
agreement stipulating that for every dollar the U.S. borrows, it will now receive
two miles in the Air China rewards program.
FEB. 24: On Capitol Hill, as the House debates emergency legislation to avoid
a government shutdown, Speaker John Boehner discloses that due to a clerical
error two years earlier, the government has been shutdown since March 2010.
MAR.
8: At a hastily called news conference, Donald Trump declares that if Greece
cannot "get its financial act together, I will step in and run for
Prime Minister."
MAR 17: A new Gallup poll shows the GOP presidential race tightening. Romney
leads with 4 percent of all registered Republicans, followed by Gingrich at 3,
with Perry and Paul tied at 2.
MAR 18: Rick Perry drops out of the presidential race, telling reporters: "I
should have listened to the advice of, uh, Sally Palin, the, you know, former
mayor of Alaska, when she suggested that I write the tough answers on my hand."
APR.
3: On the eve of the new baseball season, Major League owners approve expanded
use of instant replay. Umpires will now use multiple TV angles to determine if
any batted or thrown ball has been interfered with by players' spit.
APR. 6: People.com reports that Demi Moore and Charlie Sheen are engaged.
APR.
8: After attending Sunday services, Rhode Island Gov. Lincoln Chafee is joined
by a costumed Holiday Bunny to welcome kids in Providence to the annual Holiday
Egg hunt.
APR. 11: Fox News Channel cancels low-rated "Huckabee," and replaces
it with "Raising Cain," starring former presidential candidate Herman
Cain.
MAY 10: The Labor Department identifies Bill "Smitty" Smith of Omaha
as the last unemployed person in America. It is noted that official unemployment
figures do not include those who have "given up" looking for work.
MAY 12: CNN reports that four unidentified female salon owners, represented by
Gloria Allred, have come forward to charge Mitt Romney with using various dyes
and other hair coloring products over a 13-year period.
MAY 13: With "The Book of Mormon" continuing to set attendance records
on Broadway, creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone begin rehearsals for "Sharia
Law: The Musical."
JUNE 4: U.S. unemployment falls to a record 0%, as Smitty
Smith tells the Omaha World-Herald that he has accepted a position with Citibank
as a phone operator in its New Delhi office.
JULY 7: VH-1 presents a 48-hour "Debate Marathon" featuring
the 25 funniest GOP debates from the past year, selected by viewers in an online
poll.
JULY 19: In New York, Callista Gingrich undergoes emergency root canal, while
outside the dentist's office husband Newt tells TMZ the couple is separating
and that he has been dating Margo Beauville, a vice president at Tiffany's.
AUG. 27: As millions of kids head back to school, the Department of Education
announces that Facebook has been reclassified as a "book," and time
spent on the site will count toward all reading requirements.
SEPT. 10: The publishing
industry is shaken by word that Newsweek magazine, sold in 2010 for $1, has again
been sold -- at a loss of almost 50 cents on the dollar.
SEPT. 19: While attempting to verify the nursery rhyme about a cow jumping over
the moon, TV show "Mythbusters" accidentally drops an 840-pound Holstein
through the roof of a Motel 6 in Muncie, Ind. Producers say the cow was "shaken
up" but otherwise unhurt.
OCT. 25: With less than two weeks until Election
Day, the White House announces that it is delaying the 2012 election until after
the 2016 election. According to a spokesman, "We think the American people
need more time to study the matter before making a final decision."
NOV. 13: The Postal Service issues a reminder that to guarantee delivery by Christmas,
all first-class greeting cards must be mailed by this Friday.
NOV. 23: At one
minute past midnight, Wal-Mart stores begin what is believed to be the earliest
sale ever on Easter merchandise.
DEC. 3: NBC weather guy Al Roker announces his retirement and is replaced on "Today" by
Brian Williams, who will remain on "Nightly News" and "Rock Center," while
serving as the new host of "Fear Factor."
DEC. 31: Congress abandons efforts to avoid a government shutdown in 2012, and
races a midnight deadline to avoid a shutdown in 2013.
(c) Peter Funt. This column first appeared in The Boston Globe.
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