The eventual Republican nominee will have to thank me for engaging so many voters and delivering a wake-up call to America. I singlehandedly brought 50 million eyeballs to the first debate!

I saved Fox News, which, frankly, had peaked before I entered the race. I told NBC not to fire the sissy Matt Lauer when they were about to do it. I reinvigorated the career of that clown Charles Krauthammer, although I probably shouldn't have done it because his commentaries about me have not been very professional!

My platform was stronger than anything the whimps running the GOP have ever contemplated. I want a wall on the border with Mexico to keep out the drug-dealing scum. I want us to stop trading with China. And, when you boil it down, that's about it. Mark my words: other candidates will now quickly lay claim to my positions!

Let me clear something up about women and their so-called rights which, frankly, are a distraction when the nation has important matters to deal with. I love women. I admire the attractive ones and treat the ugly ones cordially – as long as they're nice to me, unlike the slob Rosie O'Donnell and her lesbian sympathizers.

I have run beauty pageants, I've hired women to serve drinks at my hotels – and let me say I pay them more than they probably deserve, but I don't mind, as long as they treat me with respect.

I expect the next president to call upon me for advice, as they all have over the years, whether they admit it or not. And if I want them at a wedding or the grand opening of a golf course, you can bet they will be there.

Although I am not wasting any more time with the Republican political charade, I have not ruled out running as a third-party candidate in 2016, and I have formed a committee to make plans for my run in 2020. Meanwhile, I'll be monitoring the current campaign and posting @realDonaldTrump.

You should thank me. And God bless the Trump organization.

(c) Peter Funt. This column was originally distributed by the Cagle syndicate.